I havent been feeling myself lately. So much to think about, and hope for, and I seem to have run out of time with preparing for the reality that I am the only one Rilee is going to know out of the 2 that made her. It doesnt help that friends left and right are pregnant and getting married and excited to do all they can to make their family work as a whole. When here I am alone. Tired of fighting so hard. When asked if he was going to call her or come see her I get the response "its none of my business". Really? I thought that this was a co-parenting thing. I guess I was fooled again. Tomorrow is another day off. No work and no school. Just Rilee and I doing what we do best, being Just the 2 of us!
I need to make some new mommy friends. I need to get out of the house more and I cant wait to join the gym in February. I need to put myself closer to the top of importance. I have been putting Rilee so far ahead of everything im losing sight of my own happiness and in order to have her happy I need to be happy.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
My Dabble in a Poem...its been awhile.
I just typed this up on my blackberry in about 15 mins. 1/7/2010 10:45PM
Secret Silence
The silence I hear is too loud
For the pain that's inside of me aches to get out.
Somewhere I lost this fight I'm not fighting
Within myself, To the fears I'm not supposed to be hiding.
Along the way it was determined I'd give it my all, Yet again I'm stranded inside of these walls.
Since when does my effort mean nothing but failure when every last heartbeat has been specifically tailored, to beat at just the right moment, control over the rhythm afraid ill lose it, for without that security of knowing, I'm afraid it'll be my mind that soon will be going.
And then ill have nothing but the ashes of my mistakes burnt to the ground by the fires of this rage.
Why must I try so hard to end up at back of the pack?
When did losing it all happen when its been nothing I've held back?
When is it my turn to relish in some sort of victory?
When will I stop giving so much and have something owed to me?
I've given my world, every last drop to the piece of my heart that's beating won't stop. The rest of it has shattered into tiny little pieces, but my one precious moment holds on strong, no outside force can ever breach it. One day ill look back and value my strength for I came so far through things I couldn't take.
I just want to rest my eyes now though, and cover my ears, for the silence that's so loud is all the I hear.
And I want to wake up able to breathe, instead of fighting for breath that should come with ease.
And I want to smile because I actually mean it, not because I'm acting at the times that its needed.
I'm going to hold her until this world falls apart for nothing will dismantle the love for her in my heart.
Just this one time, please let me be, a happy and healthy woman she deserves from me. And let the rest of the world just be on hold just for today, for I have no more strength left to give my fighting has stolen it all away.
The silence it gets louder the quiter it gets with every pain inside of me the hurt is more intense.
Just breathe ill say over and over again until the silence soundtrack puts me to sleep at the days end.
Ill awake to the noises of everyday life, able to push back these feelings until the day becomes night. And then my record starts to play..."Please give me the strength I need" is what I pray.
Secret Silence
The silence I hear is too loud
For the pain that's inside of me aches to get out.
Somewhere I lost this fight I'm not fighting
Within myself, To the fears I'm not supposed to be hiding.
Along the way it was determined I'd give it my all, Yet again I'm stranded inside of these walls.
Since when does my effort mean nothing but failure when every last heartbeat has been specifically tailored, to beat at just the right moment, control over the rhythm afraid ill lose it, for without that security of knowing, I'm afraid it'll be my mind that soon will be going.
And then ill have nothing but the ashes of my mistakes burnt to the ground by the fires of this rage.
Why must I try so hard to end up at back of the pack?
When did losing it all happen when its been nothing I've held back?
When is it my turn to relish in some sort of victory?
When will I stop giving so much and have something owed to me?
I've given my world, every last drop to the piece of my heart that's beating won't stop. The rest of it has shattered into tiny little pieces, but my one precious moment holds on strong, no outside force can ever breach it. One day ill look back and value my strength for I came so far through things I couldn't take.
I just want to rest my eyes now though, and cover my ears, for the silence that's so loud is all the I hear.
And I want to wake up able to breathe, instead of fighting for breath that should come with ease.
And I want to smile because I actually mean it, not because I'm acting at the times that its needed.
I'm going to hold her until this world falls apart for nothing will dismantle the love for her in my heart.
Just this one time, please let me be, a happy and healthy woman she deserves from me. And let the rest of the world just be on hold just for today, for I have no more strength left to give my fighting has stolen it all away.
The silence it gets louder the quiter it gets with every pain inside of me the hurt is more intense.
Just breathe ill say over and over again until the silence soundtrack puts me to sleep at the days end.
Ill awake to the noises of everyday life, able to push back these feelings until the day becomes night. And then my record starts to play..."Please give me the strength I need" is what I pray.
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