My year ends like this?

Really. Its 930pm and I am sitting on my couch in the dark on New Years Eve. My soon to be ex roommate is out with her family doing "family" things and aside from Katie who nicely invited me over to her apt...not a single one of my "friends" asked if I wanted to hang out or do something tonight. I guess being a single mom really has its hardships.
Today I got to spend 2.5 hours talking to a lawyer about how best to "DEAL" with the situation with Nick and how I should do things in order to maximize the relationship he has with Rilee. Really? I need to do more...I think not.
I barely get to talk to Josh because of my insane phone bill. I need to make some new friends but I am really not sure how to do so. Ugh. 2010 you better be a better year and I promise it wont be for a lack of me trying!
To all that read these... Happy New Year my cookie dough and I need to have a little "alone" time!

"HOME" For the Holidays..

Rilee and I made it to Antioch by 5:30 Christmas Eve to spend the evening with Rilee's Great Grandma and Grandpa. It was a wonderful evening and she had so much fun playing with her second cousin (maybe... I have difficulties figuring these things out) Christopher who is 2.5. They were adorable playing together and even spent some "grown up" time sitting on the couch together reading Better Homes and Gardens magazines.
We spent the night there and woke in the morning to breakfast and presents. It was so good to see some family. Then we drove about 30 mins to my Uncle Marks house where my dad and step mom and a WHOLE sleuth of family was. Tri-tip and potatoes and yummy pasta? I THINK YES thats the best Christmas Dinner EVER!
We drove home last night because Rilee didnt sleep very well while we were there and I wanted her to sleep in her own bed. Then this morning we woke up and had Roommate Christmas with Amy. It was fun and we went to Marvins where we decided all we wanted for Christmas was our 2 EMTs.
Life is good!
Oh and PS Nick is getting married. LOL.

Mediation Mayhem

Monday December 21st, 2009

So as some of you know Nick and I are in a custody battle over Rilee. I never expected my life to get to the point where I would have to fight over the one thing that makes me a better person constantly, but here I am awaiting the fate of such things. Today we were supposed to attend mandatory mediation. As in...we both had to sit in front of someone and discuss what we wanted for our child. He didn't show up. He didn't call in. He didn't file papers for an extension or seem to make any effort in making today work. When confronted he tried lying to me about his lawyer talking with them as we spoke which isn't possible for a couple reasons. 1. Because Mediation is between Nick and I with SUPPORT from lawyers if needed. 2. Because Nick never filed that he even had a lawyer which proves that he was lying. and 3. Because I was on the freeway going HOME after I had to wait 30 minutes to see if he would make contact. So he lied AGAIN. Now we go to court. January 12th and I hope that at that point things are solved and I can go home to my baby girl and my old life without this stress. I love my daughter more than anything and I really wont be able to handle life if he comes to take her. UGH.

Lil Miss is in bed...

Friday December 18th, 2009
Today was Rilee's last day of daycare until intersession in 2 weeks. That means a whole lot of MOMMY&ME time with her and I cant wait. The picture is from her school. They got professional pictures done and its soooooo cute right? I work only a couple days this week so it should be good and we are going to my biological grandparents house in Antioch for the Holidays. I am excited to see everyone again but I know that I will also be stressed.
I hate the holidays but hopefully they will get better soon! My bf Josh comes home in 29 days-ish and I cant wait to finally have him here to hold. Life has been crazy lately. I am registered for classes next semester and I am happy to have that out of the way. I was reading my report today and it says that I should be graduating Fall 2011! That really isnt that far off. That is July of 11 meaning thats a year and a half until im done. That is so close! I predict that itll be more like Spring 12 which is 4 months later because I dont want to cram everything into semesters just to graduate. Still havent a clear idea on what im going to do with my degree in psychology but I will be happy to just have things done and more time for my baby girl.
I need to start updating this more often but I just need to REMEMBER to do so!

It has been awhile.

I have a job that I enjoy. It gets tough at times but its worth it because its enabling me to take care of my daughter and enjoy going back to school while supporting us.
I have a roomate who happens to be my best friend. It gets hard competing for her time with her other friends but it has to be something that im going to get over.
I have the most amazing brilliant daughter any mother could dream of. Shes the reason I wake every morning and I want to give her the world as best as I can.
I have great classes and am managing school rather well while taking on all that I have. I am proud of where ive gotten thus far.
So if all this good is going where are all these sad hurt feelings coming from? Why do I wake up hurting on the inside all the time? Why do I go to bed half crying on a nightly basis? How do I fix it?

Tough Days

I knew it would come. The day where everything would hit me and I would get overwhelmed. Today was that day. Its Friday September 4th 2009 and all I could think about was how sick Rilee is and how I had to miss class to get her from school to get her some medicine and to make sure she was ok. I think that im going to snuggle with her tonight. I have been doing really good at work and staying on top of things in school. It is a bit much to take in but I know that if I breathe right that I will be able to handle it. Look how far I have come since Rilee was born. Nick hasnt even bothered to ask if im ok... or how things are. He uses facebook on a daily basis and didnt bother to respond or inquire about how Rilee is doing. You would think that as a father he would be able to step up at least a little bit. But of course this isnt something he is able to do.
Amy is moving in with Rilee and I! Yay. More money coming in. A friend here most of the time I need her. And someone I can love more and more! I cant wait to have my best friend living with me. It will be fun and awesome! And less stress cause I know Amy will help me when I need a moment! I love my life!

New Begining...

Rilee and I are about to embark on a new chapter in our life. She will be in daycare practically as a full time job and I will be working part time at OSH in Petaluma in the Garden Department and I will also be a full time student at Sonoma State University. I have to hopefully just be there for 2 more years but I dont know. I want to be done with school but at the same time I love having that to go to. I would prefer to love spending time with Rilee more though! I finally got my IRS check today and was able to get things from Target that I needed. I cant wait to catch up with my bills. And get things paid off and hopefully the Sonoma State Fin Aid Dept will get on their stuff by Wed and ill be an actual student with financial aide help. Ah life is good!

Independence...

My little girl has started to venture into her own freedom. I really dont know how im going to handle the day where she no longer says "gah" when she needs my help. I was messing around with a photo I snapped of her at the park... and looking at it now makes me tear up. Shes getting to be more of a child and less of a baby everyday. They dont lie when they say time flies before you know it they are grown.

Day 64 August 12th 2009

Wednesday
Last full day here. We tried to go to the beach but got lost and it was sprinkling so then we tried going to the boardwalk and once we got there it was thunder and lightning. SOOOO then we played in the arcade a little and Brenda won Rilee some stuffies and then we drove home but got stuck in hours of traffic so it was a very long day. I am exhausted and need to go to bed soon so that traveling tomorrow isnt such a pain in my ass. Eggshells today. I hate it and cant wait to get home. I miss my home.

Day 63 August 11th 2009

Today there was a HUGE falling out. It started with Nick getting upset that I made a passive remark about him cleaning up a highchair while I was giving Rilee a bath. I get mad that I come here thinking ill get SOME time to myself but its not like that. Its been tough. Doing everything. I am so thankful for his family letting us stay here and his mom cooking such great meals and his sister keeping us company while he works... but its still frustrating. You would think he would take the time to spend every waking moment with her but he doesnt.
Anyway he got mad and pushed a chair firmly in my direction to prove he wiped it down. Meanwhile the highchair tray and table were still a mess. Whoopee doo you wiped off the chair. I mean he would rather take a nap than help. Lazy ass. Anyway that led to us yelling it out and him saying he is great and me saying he should do more. I wish he understood that money isnt the cure all that shes going to need a daddy but he just doesnt get it. Ugh too much to write here about the night but it sucked and I wanted to go home and I couldnt. I hate him sometimes.

Day 62 August 10th 2009

Today Brenda and I left Rilee here with Grandma and went to Walmart and got a 60$ store credit for the carseat. Then we went to staples to get 1cent notebooks. Then we went to the verizon store that was in town but they couldnt fix my ball so we had to drive all the way back to where we were originally to the corporate store. They fixed it for free and I got a silicone case for my phone. Its a little late since its all banged up but its good. Rilee played in her pool with Grandma and it was a good day.

Day 61 August 9th 2009

Sunday
Woke up to a crappy morning. It rained last night. Cloudy all day. We were supposed to go to the shore but it was too weird out and there was warning of severe rain showers which would suck at the beach. So instead we went to BJs which is like Costco but cheaper and walked around then we went out to a place called Mason Jar which was really good. Had Penne and meatballs tonight for dinner. It was good. Gave Rilee a bath in the sink because she ate a lot and got messy! Tomorrow Brenda and I are going to Staples and then to the Verizon store and then maybe to Walmart to return the carseat hopefully for store credit that I can take home.
I am exhausted today the lack of sleep has caught up with me.
I feel horrible because I am not home with my best friend being the friend that she needs. I miss her so much and wish that I was able to be there for her.

Day 60 August 8th 2009

Saturday.
Today we went to Walmart after Nick got home and bought Rilee over 200$ in new clothes and shoes and accesories that will last her at least 6 months if not longer! It was fun to be able to throw whatever she needed into the cart without even having to add up the price. I got her new shoes that will fit and some to grow into and and some really cute cowboy boots! Lots of outfits and pants and sweats all of which will last and I dont have to worry about it. We also went to Target where we got another pair of shoes and a movie for her to watch here.
Then we went to Shannons house for a house party for her roomate Courtneys birthday. It was fun and it was cool to meet new people. It was funny to be asked what California was like knowing that its just the same as here in NJ. Friends hanging out drinking beer and laughing at stupid jokes. It was nice to be out and I cant wait for Tuesday night when I will get to go out with some new girl friends! Life is amazing sometimes and its good I have fun to look forward too.

Day 59 August 7th 2009

First full day in NJ. 6 more to go and yes im counting down.
We took off last night 45 mins late at 1055pm. Rilee was asleep in her carseat before we took off and remained asleep 98% of the trip only to whine a bit for me to hold her. She was such a trooper waiting in line and then this morning when we landed we had to wait to get off and she was so good. We landed about 715. I must have slept a bit because it went by so fast.
Nick and I havent really spoken much since ive been here. He is working the majority of the time we are here so I dont even know why we bothered coming. Like 6 of the 7 days we are here he is working. Bastard. Yet another reason why im so mad at him. He wants to be super dad and he isnt here most of the trip.
Whatever. Tomorrow we are going to go shopping when he gets home from work and then to dinner and then to a party. I am happy to be getting out of the house. Rilee screamed a lot before I put her down... I hate it. She doesnt like it here. She needs her binky almost 24/7 and at home I can go the whole day without her having it... wth. It saddens me.

Day 58 August 6th 2009

Did the SR route... got home at 630 had to leave at 730 talk about cutting it close! Amy watched Rilee all day and I got my route done and turned in in time. Leave soon cant talk much.

Day 57 August 5th 2009

Had to drive to Willits today to do the ID check again. Willits Ukiah Lakeport Cloverdale and Healdsburg. I had a hard time making the drive to Lakeport because the last time that I was there was with Wade. Ironically I got to talk to him online about it. Its weird missing him even though he is married.
The drive was long but I kept having to say that I was getting paid for it. Tomorrow I do the Santa Rosa route again. Its money and its an easy job!
Leaving tomorrow night...ugh.

Day 56 August 4th 2009

My traveling salesman came to town tonight and we went out to the fair. It was fun to actually be there with someone and not have to walk around alone. He taught me about cattle and divulged more about himself which was finally a good thing. I am sure that I am more attached than I should be... buts its almost impossible to not be attracted to him 100%.
At the fair we had bbq and it was sooo good and we walked around through the flower garden and the reptiles. It was so much fun
After we went back to the Hilton in SR and went in the pool that was supposedly heated... but they lied. It was COLD. So we opted for the hot tub instead and we relaxed with some other people and chatted then went back to his room where I laid Rilee down for a bit and she passed out so we ended up staying there.
Life is complicatedly fun. :)

Day 55 August 3rd 2009

I worked today from 600 on. Heather needed me to watch the kids while they went out to dinner with their friend from out of town. Its good to have a little bit of money coming in when I have things to pay... I hate life right now with the endless battle with finances. 3 more days until we leave.

Day 54 August 2nd 2009

Church today. We will be missing it next week due to our NJ trip. Rilee was in a mood today and I had to sit with her in daycare again. I wonder if she is getting some teeth? Not much else happend today. Hung out with Ryan.

Day 53 August 1st 2009

Amy Rilee and I drove out to the beach today. It was amazing being with my girls and not having a care in the world. We went out the long way and ate lunch on the landing and then went a little further down the coast and went in the sand. My big girl "swam" through the sand and it was so cute. Shes sooooo smart. Amy and I buried her in the sand and she couldnt stop giggling. I have such an amazing child its unbelievable. We leave in not too long for our awaited trip to NJ. Wonder how itll go.

Day 52 July 31st 2009

Sitting in Ryans house right now watching the boys while Rilee is with Amy tonight and Ryan at the grocery store. I guess he is making something for dinner. I am going to try to go out and do something tonight going to see if anyone wants to go with me! I need to get out for a bit.
Maybe ill drive myself to the casino for a couple hours... spend 40 bucks. I dont know I just to get out of sync with life. Something to take my mind off of the shit.
Amy is the greatest thing ever aside from Rilee to happen into my life. I love her to death.

Day 51 July 30th 2009

One more day left of daycare until the summer break.
I am no longer engaged and I am having a hard time dealing with it. Nick decided to hide a lot of things and to lie and I just cant take it anymore.
This was his last chance and he gets no more. Fuck him. I am so hurt and angry.
Went to Amys house for dinner had burgers went to the town green with rilee and then went back and listened to her sing while we made chantelles birthday card.
Its good to have friends that care!

Day 50 July 29th 2009

Wed
Rilee was in school today again. 2 more days until her summer break. I went out to Friar Tucks with Jeremy and CJ tonight. Ryan watched Rilee for me. We played darts and it was fun to get out and do normal things.
Jack asked me today if I was marrying Nick out of desperation. It made me think...

Day 49 July 28th 2009

Rilee went back to daycare today and its her last week until my school starts. She loves her school so she might miss it but its just a month! We go see Daddy soon which is exciting for me because I have a new mindset towards him now. Planning my wedding is so much fun! I love all the ideas that im getting but I am for sure going to make sure we are able to pay for it and if not we will just push the wedding date back. I want to be able to afford it and not skimp on what I want.
Amy stayed until about noon and we watched another movie that ended weird but it was better. I am watching Babel while I write this right now.
Rilee and I went to the fair tonight. It was fun just my girl and I but next year Daddy will be here too. We took another photo booth picture and I have made it a tradition. Hopefully it lasts throughout the years. I had fun.
I am going to get back to my movie not much else to write.

Day 48 July 27th 2009

Monday.
Amy came over tonight to watch a movie and we actually watched one. The king. It was weird. But good I guess.
We didnt do much wedding planning and we went up to Ryans house to play rockband. Not much else really!

Day 47 July 26th 2009

Church today was awesome because we had a change of scenery. Instead of it being scriptural one of our churches missonaries did a presentation on what he and his family do for God. They live in the Phillipines in a house in the jungle and help the sick and teach Gods word and they know 4 languages and are very inspirational. I loved seeing the way they live and wish that America would adopt those ways of life. There wouldnt be a budget crisis. We wouldnt fight so much and crime would go away.
He also brought some bracelets from a little girl over there that was going to be a prostitute but she now sells them. So Amys mom got us each a couple. They are awesome.
Then we had a potluck where my child showed off her eating abilities and consumed massive amounts of watermelon which previously she hasnt liked and raviolis. Needless to say she is a bottomless pit. Then after Patty took me in back to shop at our food bank... which is wonderful because I am able to supply Rilee with enough food to fill her every meal. It makes me happy and very thankful that there are such programs for us to use especially one from our own church. I wasnt too happy with Ken for his poor attitude and unwillingness to help an elderly lady carry her box to her car because he wanted to get more food for himself. It made me sick to my stomach. We are in Gods house and he has provided us with this food that by golly there was PLENTY of and only me and 1 other person in line... and he was the only man around. If I thought I was able to carry that huge box for 4 people for that lady I would have... and I wish that others had the same mindset. If something of that nature happens again I feel as though im going to have to mention something.
Next step is becoming a member of the church/going through couples counseling/ and getting Nick out here.
Amy came over tonight. We went to Lowes to get some paint swatches which we then converted into 5 matches of blues and pinks and put them on my wedding board. We have decided on a casual theme... laid back cool and simple. Its about the meaning not the "stuff"
EremyJ came over tonight too and we talked about my past and just about weddings and life and its nice to have someone to talk to thats going through things too.
Life has been good to me and I hope that soon I am blessed with a job and a tax return so that I am able to start saving for my wedding! WHOO HOOO im going to be married! 6/18/2009

Day 46 July 25th 2009

Day 1 of the wedding plans. Whoo hoo. Its Saturday and im not sure what to do with myself! Rilee and I stayed home really and didnt do much. Should have cleaned my house but didnt. Amy is coming over tomorrow to wedding plan after church. Let everyone know that Nick and I are doing it and I am very excited. Lots to do and plan and think through.
I have faith that if we do it the right way that he and I will last through anything. Why would I pass up a chance to have the father of my precious baby girl in our lives again? We are both willing to put forth effort and work through most anything.

Day 45 July 24th 2009

NICK AND I ARE ENGAGED!
Meaning my future husband and father of my child will soon be coming out here and we will become a happy family and prepare for a wedding. OMG I get to plan my wedding!
Rilee got shots today. UGH that sucked but I learned that she is 32in tall and 23lbs 7.5oz. Shes such a string bean I love her. Because she was so upset after the doctors we couldnt go to the river so we came home and she napped and I guess so did I. Then we went to the store and got some things for dinner. I cooked bbq chicken and cucumber salad and some angel hair pasta. It was sooo good. Gave Rilee a bath and then put her to bed.
Amy came over again last night and we played more Mario Party. Now its official we are addicted! I love her so much. Brent also came over last night and brought me "be happy" burger king and made me try some soy ice cream that was really good! I love having good friends.
I am exhausted today though. Lots of emotional thinking that ive been doing. Lots more ahead....:)

Day 44 July 23rd 2009

Well today was a long one! Amy spent the night last night and after I took Rilee to daycare which I was late picking her up from...ooops. (my day was weird) we made breakfast from the leftover veggie and some eggs. It was yummy. I cant wait to get a job so that I am able to start cooking and baking more.
So the dishwasher came and was installed and the whole time Amy and I just stayed in bed talking. So much for sleeping in. Then we played another round of that Mario Party nonsense and cut our play time down! We are addicted I believe. And then... I went to get an application to hopefully work on campus which ill be dropping off tomorrow before I take Rilee to the doctors. Then I think that I am taking the both of us out to the river to have a mommy and me day. We havent been in awhile so I think that its about time that we go! I love doing fun little things with her. I think this saturday we are going to the SF zoo with Rob and his daughter buts its not finalized yet. I hope that I get a job soon.
OSH never called me...so that means that I didnt get a job. Screw this economy. UGH

Day 43 July 22nd 2009

Rilee is 15 months old today. I cant believe how much time has passed. She is getting so big. Amy came over tonight and we played way too many hours of Mario Party. Jeremy and his friend CJ came and hung out for awhile too. It was fun to just laugh and talk with friends. Amy and I both agree that CJ is out of line with his sex talk but thankfully I can just tell Jeremy to never bring him to my house again!
I love how since Jeremy and I are friends that Debbie thinks that im some bitch now. He is about to get married yes.. but that doesnt mean that he cant have friends that are girls. UGH this world is so messed up sometimes. Anyway Amy and I made dinner. Steak and broccoli and I made some yummy potatoes in the oven. It was fun and delicious.
The night was long and ended with Amy having a "friend" over. He was "nice"
And we tried watching a foreign film but that didnt work so well!
Quote from this evening that I love
"Im kinda bigger I hope you dont mind"

Day 42 July 21st 2009

OMG my daughter is going to be 15 months tomorrow. She is growing so big. Rilee got to see Jack again today. Its been about 6 weeks he said since he has seen her and she has obviously grown a whole lot. He loves seeing her! Today was an easy therapy session as there hasnt been a lot of negative shit to deal with. Still waiting on him to get in touch with Kim but shes dodging him apparently because from experience I know she checks messages daily. Stupid bitch sometimes. Anyway what did I do today? Oh yes. We got Spooka back. Rilee went to daycare and I cleaned...no no super cleaned the kitchen. Found out that im getting a new dishwasher and hopefully some sort of AC unit or maybe they will get me a fan?
I wish I had a bf. I hate being lonely. And tired of watching movies alone. And tired of cooking for 1. When will this turn around?

Day 41 July 20th 2009

Holy Crap am I tired. Work today sucked. I get there and find out that im not qualified because I am not bilingual. If the program wasnt helping kids that have disabilities I would have a bigger problem than I do. I mean its not fair that I cant get a job in my country because I dont speak another language.
Anyway so I got stuck filing and cleaning up ants today. WOW. What a job! But I got paid and tomorrow I am going to do more searching and clean my house from top to bottom and just have a me day. I think Wednesday I am going to go to the river alone but we get our kitty back from Angie cause she cant take her with them! Yay :)
Spooka is coming home. Thank God.
I am too tired to stay up much longer ive got to go get my flickr updated.

Day 40 July 19th 2009

Sunday. YAY right?
Well last night I was up for way later than I wanted to. Then tonight was my BBQ. Which came after I went to church to drop Rilee off with Amy then go to Aarons birthday party for a little bit then come home shower and get ready to go.
I am beat. Exhausted. But truck on to my bbq. Not too many of my friends showed up surprise surprise. Met some new friends and genuinely had a good time. It was a very late night and I have to work tomorrow early. OH man im dead

Day 39 July 18th 2009

Today was a very hectic day that ended in tazing shows! So Rilee and I chilled inside most of the day before Jon had his bbq. We were all out in the parking lot like we always do having fun drinking beer and just being jolly. Went with Jeremy to SR to get his cousin and when we came back there ended up a fist fight between Debbie and Leta. Girls fell to the ground punching and bloody and when Chris pulled Leta off she punched him and then he pushed her into a window. Then she called the cops and they came and when a couple was walking back to their house they didnt stop for the cops so they tazed them and then took them to jail.
OMG what a night!

Day 38 July 17th 2009

Today Rilee pooped on the potty by herself! We were in the shower after dinner and she was acting like she had to go so I asked her if she wanted to go potty and she said yes. So I put her on and she put her hands on the side and we talked a little bit then she pooped. And she got really excited and wanted to turn around to look at it! I am so proud of her. So I went and got her a potty seat and some big girl underwear which im am sure she wont be wearing for a long time but they were cute!
I am going to just start this weekend putting her on every hour and see how it goes.

Last night Amy came over to watch The Invisible and it wasnt as good as it sounded. Before our movie we decided to go dumpster diving and we got a helmet and cassette deck thing! Then we decided to try to assemble the tent that I got at the garage sale a couple months ago and it was massive. It didnt fit in the backyard so then we tried in the living room. No such luck. So through much laughing and moving things around we settled for defeat and watched our movie! I love my Amy.
I worked today and have a job with Manpower next week being an aid. I cant wait it pays well and itll be fun to do something new. I should hear from OSH as well. I like this day!

Day 37 July 16th 2009

Well lets see what I did today.
Laundry.
Babysat a full day for the first time in...well a long time.
Folded clothes.
Made Heathers bed.
And picked Rilee up from daycare early ate dinner with the Yates and then gave her a bath there. She is now happily asleep which I almost would be but... well Amy is coming over!
For Hilarium and Scarium cause we are watching The Invisible which I just got from Netflix. It seems like its going to be good so I hope it is. I better find some jammies to put on! And see if there is any good food going on in my kitchen!
Boys suck by the way!

Day 36 July 15th 2009

Day 36? Holy crap where has my life gone.
It seems to just be wasting away. Another day Rilee gets older. Another day of worry that things are getting paid or done or thought about.
Ugh.

Mary and I went to get the last of our party things. Went to the farmers market and the grocery store(wic vouchers) and finally broke down and went to the food pantry. Why the hell havent I been going there before? I really need to start doing that more often. Free food and I dont feel bad about it because I have a child that needs to eat and I dont have a job. However the lady behind me in line drives a fucking hummer to the food pantry. WTF. I think im going to go rent a porche and go next wednesday.
I hate how people take advantage of shit that is meant to help the ones that could only dream of taking advantage of anything.
Tomorrow I work. Which is good because maybe finally I can start paying some bills off? Ha thats almost a funny joke but I really need to start doing something more than making it. The IRS is supposed to be sending me a form to correct my taxes so I need to keep watching the mail and I found out that today I cant be disenrolled from SSU so its just a matter of time before things are taken care of. Fingers crossed and praying that it all works out in the end. I think it will I just need to be patient.
Life is like that sometimes... a rush to wait.

Day 35 July 14th 2009

Holy crap was today hot. 101 degrees up on Heathers hill. I went and saw Jack today and about died walking across campus in shorts and a tank top. It was a good session. We talked about my difficulty with not being able to understand why things happened. Its not that I dont understand what happened its that I dont get WHY those things happened. Hopefully soon there will be a breakthrough or ill be able to maintain sanity trying to figure it out.
Worked 2 hours for Heather today which sucked but I didnt have to do anything because the boys were sleeping but it was sooooo hot. I should have taken a nap but now im wide awake with "life" occupying my mind. Oh how I wish I was able to sleep at night. Maybe I should see someone about it but I dont want to start taking drugs because then ill worry about Rilee and not being able to hear her or anything else bad that could happen.
I think that tomorrow I am taking Rilee to the river because its going to be really hot and I dont work. So it should be a good day for the 2 of us to get out there and have some water fun! Either that or ill try the water hole at Howarth Park. Who knows how I feel when I wake up in the morning... oh wait... crap Rilee is in school tomorrow. Maybe ill go tanning at the river all by myself? That would be wonderful and I wouldnt have to worry about her at all. hmmmmm decisions decisions.
I havent decided if I should look for more work or wait to see how recent things pan out. I need to call the IRS tomorrow though. Before I do anything I have to figure out where its at so I dont get booted out of school. I will be so heartbroken.
Its still hot tonight im sticky with sweat and am debating a cool shower before bed. Thats sounding pretty amazing right now.

Day 34 July 13th 2009

Today was a good day. I went to the OSH interview and think that I did well. There are 300 people and only 60 jobs so ive made it pretty far! It would be nice to have a job lined up for after school starts but im not going to hold my breath on that one.
Rilee was with Amy and her cousin this morning while I went to the interview and then I met Laurie for coffee to catch up on life. Then I met Amy and Taylor at BK to eat lunch and have a million and 2 giggles. Its always funny with her.
Came home and took an extensive nap with Rilee and when we woke up we went to Costco with Brent to get the stuff for this weekends BBQ. I cant wait to have a grown up party! Rilee will be with Amy so that should be fun!
Nothing new really about anything else. Its really hot lately and even right now I cant sleep cause im sweating. I hope that I get the air conditioner fixed really soon. Or get a good fan. I got paid today from Manpower. Came out to be almost 70 bucks. I should do that again! Money money money. I should probably keep applying for more jobs but I havent gotten around to it. I have to call the IRS tomorrow to hopefully get financial aid settled in. Too hot to have my laptop on my lap so im signing off for now.

Day 33 July 12th 2009

Sunday
The end of the week. Tomorrow im going to the Orchard Supply interview and Amy is going to meet me to take Rilee with her to the JC while I go to the interview. Then Laurie and I should meet after for coffee or something.
Rilee was having a rough day at church today and I soon learned out why. She slept from 1130 to almost 3 because she was so tired!
Brent came over... woke us up and we went to Marys house to party plan for our BBQ this coming Sunday. I am excited that we went to great lengths to plan something fun!
I also got ballsy and wrote her hot roomate Evan a note hopefully leading to at least one date! That would be amazing because he is nerdy and cute and smart and funny and somehow ive been pulled towards him since I saw him at Marys party she had awhile ago! We will see I left it on his computer!
Dorky I know but it was fun.
Rilee went to bed immediately when we got home because she was soooo tired so tomorrow ill feed her some more in the morning. I love my baby girl and I love with people comment on us together or tell me just how cute they think that she is. Its a good feeling and I love knowing that they can see that im doing my best. Life is good... one step at a time!

Day 32 July 11th 2009

We went to the river the entire day practically with Doug and we were supposed to meet Ryan and his boys and his cousin Rusty up there but they decided to camp in a cabin and I didnt have the money to fork out for a 90 dollar crap cabin just to camp. So we hung out and I met dougs friend jeffs gf Amanda and she is really nice. She has lost an arm due to an accident a long time ago but she does well and is very inspirational.
Rilee got to sleep over at Amys which allowed me to go to Jeff and Amandas trailer and have a bbq and hang out with some food and beer and music. We were going to go out to the bar but I wasnt really feeling like it so I can home and showered and went to bed. It was nice to not have to worry about Rilee because I know she is safe and Happy with Amy. I like that ive found someone that has given me a chance to breathe every once in awhile.
I cant wait until school starts. I am very excited but am afraid that I will be disenrolled because of lack of fin aid nonsense. This week ive got to call the IRS and school and hopefully work things out.

Day 31 July 10th 2009

Today Rilee and I went to Mortons Warm Springs which is a mineral pool rec area. We went with Heather and the boys and Grace was there with her camp from gymnastics. Rilee didn't like it much but it was just because she was exhausted and sensory overload. She would sit in my lap and we would lay in the water but she didn't want to be alone. At one point she fell asleep in my arms and took a nap on the lounge chair. Then when we got home she slept for a couple hours and I ended up waking her up to give her some medicine and milk to try to get her full enough to sleep through the night. We both got super tan today and I got a little burnt on my face but I liked it. Ill take Rilee back again when she is well rested.I'm so tired.

Day 30 July 9th 2009

So today I found out I have 2 interviews next week. OSH and Boys and Girls Club Windsor. Yay me. And hopefully tomorrow I meet with with Bob to get the coupon stuff done. Maybe life won't suck so bad soon! I really hope so because its been bad for awhile. Rilee had a better day today and right now we are at Darren and Djs house watching a movie and eating pizza.

Day 29 July 8th 2009

Just now realized that it was my moms birthday today. Maybe that's why I was in such a sour mood? Not like the day went well at all anyway. Jason from the OSH thing made plans with me last night to hang out tonight and completely flaked. Not a call or returned text or anything. This guy I was friends with named Chris Rosano decided he didn't want to be friends anymore so he deleted me off his friends list and won't return my contact efforts. This coming out of the blue. I only worked 3 hours today and Heather made it seem like tomorrow won't be any better. I was supposed to be on Sids soccer team today but he texted me last minute and pretty much told me to hit the road they got someone new. Fuck people treating me like shit. I'm so tired of being hurt. Today was a very hard day. Here's to hoping tomorrow is better and not so tough to wade through.

Day 28 July 7th 2009

Wow was today crazy! I went to a job fair for OSH. Which turned into a long wait (3hours) for a short interview (3 mins) But if I get a good job out of it then thats wonderful! I also signed on with my friend Bobs company which sells coupons to companies. I get to try out my selling techniques. I hope that I can do well as I would love to start making some money and I can mostly do it on my own time. That would be awesome I just have to learn to be more pushy and assertive. I think I can handle it and if nothing else I gave it my best shot.
Saw Jack today. He is going to try to get my records from my past so we can start tackling the hard shit. It would be nice if I could breathe easy one day because I was able to put something behind me. I hope something positive comes from the past issues and it doesnt just stir up shit. Its already hard for me to think that hopefully soon we will be in possession of my records. If she still has them that is. I think im going to try to get them from Alan Springer too from PCS. Its about time I buckle down and get on with my own life instead of living through everyone elses.
For some crazy reason when I gave Rilee a bath tonight she had a serious meltdown. As in she freaked out and jumped out of the tub and screamed bloody murder. What the hell happened to my water baby? I hope this was just a 1 time thing and not something crazy but she has started hating to get in the car too. I hope that I didnt start her in daycare too soon and she thinks that im abandoning her. That wouldnt be good at all.
So im working on things in my head. I have a lead to a job. I met a funny cute guy at the OSH thing today. And I am working for Heather a little this week and next.... life wasnt so bad today!
The cutie I met is only 18 though.. but he is nice and funny so we will see! Slow and steady wins the race!
Tomorrow I finalize things with the manager for the coupon company and hopefully I can get a portfolio together this weekend and get out there and sell sell sell. It would be nice to at least make enough to get a car payment a month! Or something!
Amy comes back thursday... I have a soccer game tomorrow night... and hopefully Mary and I are having our "singles" bbq on Saturday. I need to stay focused and harbor this positive energy. Itll all work out for the bestest! And if this coupon selling job works out... I can work it into my schedule if school pans out. And if not I can work at OSH and this side job. But if it works out REALLY well then I can do it full time on my own time! YAY me.
I am about to go eat my pudding I made and watch a movie. I wish I had someone that wanted to cuddle... but in due time. The right man will come along soon enough and he wont be able to get enough of my cuddles. Life is good. I just need to make sure I keep remembering that.

Day 27 July 6th 2009

Today was awesome. In the kinda crappy lots happened sort of way.
I did my secret shopping and got chased by some crazy people mad that I caught them doing something wrong.. then I talked to the guy that I had to report to and he was so funny to talk to. If only asking someone on a date over the phone wasnt a breech of their job! Then I went to get sushi alone which is always crappy to do but I enjoyed my quiet time without a mess and having to talk to someone.
I went to pick up Rilee and she was a mess so I brought her home to nap. Though walking in my door was a 3 day notice that said either I have to get out or the kitty has to go. So I texted all my friends and Angie and CJ were willing to take her and now she is a happy kitty on a farm in Forestville until they move to Idaho for CJs schooling. So thats sad but good news that Spooka and punkie have both found new safe loving homes.
Tomorrow I see Jack at 12. Probably going to do some house cleaning up after the kitties and put laundry away and vaccuum and put the dishes away. Get things in order while Rilee plays at school. I really hope that my financial aide comes through sometime soon or ill be very sad. I want to be back in school very much.
I miss friends. Amy comes back soon and this weekend Mary and I might be having a singles BBQ which would be fun. I will have to find some people to invite. Itll be interesting.
Anyway its about movie time. Life will pick up soon. Seeing Jack tomorrow will be good and since im not going to the lake since the person I was going to go with is a jerk.

Day 26 July 5th 2009

Today I didnt get up in time to make it to church. Instead we went to SF and went to the Aquarium and walked Pier 39 with Jason and Alyssa. It was amazing to hang out with them again knowing that hes going through some tough times and that he still considers me to be a friend. I love him and Alyssa to death and just want the best for him.
The aquarium was amazing. We had tons of fun even though it was small. We walked through 2 huge tunnels of fish and sharks... saw some Jelly Fish and pet some sting rays and tiger sharks. We had fun walking and talking along the pier and Rilee got to ride her first Carousel.
We went to dinner at this cool little surf style restaurant and the guys sitting next to us were foreign and not only were they cute they also thought Rilee was adorable! If only I could hear all that they were saying translated into english!
Tomorrow is a big day. I get to secret shop. And then on Tues I am going to the lake. YAY. I think Rilee is going to go as well. I cant wait to finally be out there even though its probably going to be a bit chilly. I am very tired from a long day and I think that im going to turn in. Back to the job hunt tomorrow after I finish secret shopping.

Day 25 July 4th 2009

Happy 4th of july to everyone around. Not sure who is reading this or how your day is going or going to end up but happy independence day anyway!
Today Rilee and I went to Kris and Denise's house to celebrate. We were going to go to Red White and Boom but it was more fun to spend it with people rather than alone. It was nice to meet some new faces and laugh and joke and smile.
Dinner was amazing with bbq chicken and tri tip and beans and salads and beer. I actually drank some tonight! YAY me. Moving up in the world.
It was a late night and I got some sun. Took Kris to get beer at like 12 and it was insane trying to get the guy to sell us some but finally he did. We had a bonfire and played horse shoes and even got to see some of the fireworks through the trees. I always love hearing the sounds of the pops at night.
Next year I think Rilee will be old enough to go see them. :)

Day 24 July 3rd 2009

Friday

Rilee had a run in with the door today and I had to take her to the ER where I was sure they would stitch her closed but instead they used glue. Which is great supposed to heal it better and life goes on. Well he said it was waterproof and it was ok to shower and so I washed her tonight and actually left the bandaid on and decided id clean it next bath. Well I took off the wet one to put on a dry one and the glue didnt even stick in the cut. It was on the bandaid and came off with it…therefore immediately starting to bleed again. I really hope it stops itself ive got a nifty one on there now that holds the blood inside. I feel bad for my baby.

I am babysitting right now. Its been a long day and Rilee doesnt want to go to bed yet she just screams and cries so im going to wait until I put the kids to bed at 9 and lay her down and let her CIO. Shes been a tough girl today and barely cried with her head wound. She didnt like me pinning her down to glue her though. Heather and Mark are going to be out late tonight so itll be good to get paid a decent amount.

I might be going to the lake on Tues but nothing is final. Itll only be if I dont work but Heather isnt sure yet. I kinda hope I get to go to the lake I havent been in awhile!

Nate doesnt want to be with me. He said that hes sure hes not the right guy for me and doesnt want to put forth any effort into it. Well I guess I should have said ive seen it coming. I hate this process…waiting until they finally realize they dont want me. Only to tell me that they dont think they are good for me… when in reality if I like someone I do think they are good enough. Duh right? Where the hell did the decent men go? I swear when I liked being single they were all over the place. Now they are either taken but then again even the taken ones are dirtbags. Fuck. Life is dealing crappy men lately. I think I want a reshuffle.
Its almost time to get things ready for bed and kids settled down. Tomorrow is the 4th of July and I think we are going out to the river and then to Red White and Boom. Last 4th Rilee was only 4.5 months old. Sounds crazy to say that now that shes almost 15 months. Man have things changed. Potty training to ensue soon!

Day 23 July 2nd 2009

I worked today. It was nice to know that ive got money coming in. The kids were good today and we picked up the house. Rilee had a final day of daycare until Monday when I get to be a secret shopper. We are going to eat dinner here cause Heather is making spaghetti and it smells really good! I got my laundry done…and folded and im happy that my house is clean and my clothes are clean. Life will pick up soon. I know it.

Day 22 July 1st 2009

Saw Jack today. It was a good session. I got to talk without the burden of Rilee and I got to realize that I have a hard time letting go of the past. Past situations… Past relationships… Past anything that I can remember. I wish I was able to get over it so that I could move on in my life. I hold onto everything and compare everything. It would be nice if things were easier to deal with.

Rilee did good in daycare except for her crying at meal time.

Went to Wednesday night market with Darren whom I havent seen in a long time. It was good to catch up and see him and DJ again. I might help him coach DJs soccer team which would be really good. I would love to get back into coaching. Wed night market was crazy and insane and run down with teenagers. But it was good to get out with Rilee and enjoy the night. We went to Applebees with Darren and DJ and it was a good night.

Day 21 June 30th 2009

FUCKING A.

Somehow all that ive written for this day got erased so I have to try to remember what it is that I wanted to say for Tuesday. I didnt have work. I cleaned the entire house while Rilee was in daycare. I slept a little bit and I think thats about all that I can remember from this day. I know I wrote something about seeing Jack tomorrow (wed) and how Nick is talking about coming back and how it would be nice and how I miss him and what we had.

Day 20 June 29th 2009

Wow I must admit that im happy that ive written something for 20 days. Thats almost a month. Just put Rilee to bed and thankfully its not so hot anymore. My head is pounding and I wish that I could get rid of this migraine that ive got. Oh how I wish I had someone that wanted to cuddle tonight. That totally seems like a good headache cure. Tomorrow Rilee goes to daycare and I hopefully will get the willpower to clean my house. I have to get at least the toys picked up and vacuuming done because its hard to walk through the hallways.

Last night I had to give one of the kitties away but Punkie will be in a better place because they cant bite and fight anymore. The family she went to is very loving and has another cat for her to grow up with. Since shes been gone though Spooka has had a major attachment disorder. She has to walk right by my legs and sleep on top of me. Hopefully she will get over it.

Nothing too majot happend today. I got to babysit for Aubrey which was an easy 25 dollars. Maybe ill just post some more childcare ads up. Time for bed though my head in prohibiting me from thinking clear thoughts.

Day 19 June 28th 2009

Went to church but Rilee wasnt having it so we ended up having to leave early. She tried taking a nap but didnt probably because its too hot. And she doesnt feel well… so we went to Lexis makeshift party in the quad and she ate and played and then they all went to the river so I put her down for a nap and slept a couple hours as well. Now we are trying to stay cool without AC or fans. I have a migraine and think im going to go get a smoothie!

Not too much else to talk about today. Havent heard from Nate since friday morning… maybe hes moved along?

Day 18 June 27th 2009

I gathered a group of friends together (Chantelle Ryan and Mary) and we all went out to the river for a couple hours. It was amazing out there. Hot and the water was cool and we floated and played and had a good time. Came home and I didnt have Rilee because Chantelle had her for the night because Chris was coming to town.

Chris and I went to the casino because its air conditioned and it also seemed more fun than the bar. So we went and I made 228$ profit. Sweet now im not so far in the hole anymore. It was fun and we got mcdonalds on the way home and crashed when we got here. He left early to take his daughter to the zoo.

Day 17 June 26th 2009

Went to Manpower today to fill out the 2 hour long application process to hopefully get placed at some sort of employment. It was long but if it pays off…literally… itll be worth it! I have high hopes that in the next couple of weeks im going to be employed.

On the way home to get Rilee I was listening to Froggy and they were talking about the blood drive and how they needed A+ blood which is my type. So I called Kate at Rilees school to see if she could stay an extra hour and I went and gave some blood. It was awesome to know that I was giving blood that will one day potentially save a life. Amazing how the world works and I think that I might start doing it more often. It doesnt take that long and it goes to a good cause. I did my good deed and was able to give something back.

Tomorrow Chris comes! I cant wait to hang out with him again! And I think a couple friends and I are going to go to the river tomorrow. It should be fun and then I get to drop Rilee off with Chantelle and her mom and have a Saturday night to go do something fun! I love summer! I cant wait to go to the river for the 3rd time this month with Rilee! Matty might come and Damon and tomorrow im going to send a mass text out to everyone so anyone is invited.

I need to clean my house first before I go tomorrow so thats incentive! I am kinda tired tonight. Probably because I chose to stay up late last night and watch 7 pounds. It was good but not the best movie ive ever seen. I think I might watch Benjamin Button tonight so that Monday/Tuesday ill have 3 new movies to watch.

I just realized that rent is due soon and I am negative 600 so if I put Nicks checks in the bank ill only have 400 for rent and I need 975… so I think I have to go open another account somewhere and pay with another check. UGH I wish I would have thought ahead… but regardless itll all work out. It has to!

Day 16 June 25th 2009

More bad news… aside from the days being half days at work I now am short 2 days next week. So all together ill make about 40 bucks for next week. OMG desperately need a job. Tomorrow I go in and work with Mario to fill out the Manpower application process.

Last night Rilee Amy and I went to the fair. It was fun to see Rilee old enough to enjoy some of the rides and things that were there. And to watch her waddle around. I love my baby girl. Then we got some jack in the box and watched What Happens in Vegas. It was a good night. Oh ya… almost forgot. Amy and I spent a bit of time driving around waving to everyone that we saw on the street. I mean yelling and waving hi! It was fun and I definitely needed the laughter. I slept pretty good afterwords as well.

Work was simple today. Rilee went to school the kids cleaned the house. I did my laundry. And then we got Rilee. And then we came home and I got to be Suzie homemaker and cook some chicken and stuffing bake with corn on the cob. I cant wait until I have someone that comes home to eat dinner with. Surprisingly Nate and I have talked a decent amount of time. Its nice to just have a voice to chat with! Hopefully it could turn into something more?

Chris comes in 2 days. I am excited to see him. But nervous as to what he has to tell me. I hope he doesnt flake because ill be pretty pissed. Tomorrow after my appt I see Laurie as she has some ideas for me to try. I will do anything right now. Its about time to put Rilee down and get into bed. Another day has come and gone.

Day 15 June 24th 2009

Its Wednesday. UGH. The middle of yet another week of workless days and stress.

Just got back from going out to coffee with Laurie. She also bought Rilee 2 months worth of diapers so thats awesome! She is such a good person to talk to I wish I had more friends like her. I go see Jack in about an hour.

Day 13 June 22nd 2009

Monday Blues.
Heather texted me to tell me that im not working wed this week… which is yet another 88$ that im short. I will never be able to catch up with my bills without a stable job. I cant seem to find a job to save my life. And its almost that serious.
Rilee and I had to go to Windsor to pick up some things we left at Maries house… I got Rilee some Burger King because I wasnt going to have time to feed her before nap time when we got home. Then when I got home I finished putting away the laundry and did the dishes and took a little nap. I gathered Rilees clothes for daycare tomorrow.
We went to Ryans to go swimming again because it was so hot. My daughter is such a little fish. My house still looks trashed because I need to put the toys away but thatll come when I rearrange the furniture and make more room.
Tomorrow I thankfully work then wednesday we see Jack and have coffee with Laurie and Amy comes over at night. It is a full day and I cant wait. Its about time to shower and get to bed. I am wiped. The sun is kicking my butt as well as my wild kitties in the middle of the night!
Heather isnt happy with me about Saturday… but she never mentioned it again. I feel bad but I made plans with Chris and hes coming and honestly I dont feel like babysitting when Chris is coming to town!!!

Day 12 June 21st 2009

Today was Fathers Day. I felt the need to NOT text or email or IM Nick wishing him a happy Fathers Day. I mean why would he? Aside from the money he sends he isnt here for her like he should be. So I was strong and am about to go to bed without saying a word to him and I almost hope he has the nerve to say something about it. I feel bad because thats the sort of girl I am… but I also love my daughter too much to wish a Father that isnt here for her a happy day.
We went to church this morning where my “outfit” was frowned upon…but my church clothes are dirty I dont have a washing machine or a job that supports the need to wash… and so I wore shorts and a tank top. I didnt have time to change before I went to Maries for a bbq. I dont know sometimes I get frustrated with the rules.
Rilee and I went to Myles and Maries house after church to have brunch and dinner. Shes an amazing cook. Myles and Rilee have developed this really cute close bond… and its wonderful to see that she isnt afraid of men still. She ate sooooo much food its crazy! Then she went outside to play in the hose with the big kids but she slipped on the pavement and got a bruise on her back… I feel so bad but she didnt cry much. I think the water helped with the fall. Its amazing how fearless my child is. I think that im going to look into swimming lessons for her and see when the soonest I can get her into them is. I am also going to buy her a potty at the end of the month and start showing her how to do it. I think she will get it fast!
Today was a great day. I got to forget about Nick and my dad and I got to spend time with people that I care about and who seem to care about Rilee and I.
My high school sweetheart is coming up next saturday and id be lying if I said that I wasnt still madly in love with him! So we are going to go out and spend sometime with each other. Ironically we have daughters named Riley/Rilee that are 4 months apart! I miss my CJM. Count down begins! This weekend was overall great and I hope the rest of the summer is about the same caliber!

Day 11 June 20th 2009

Tonights entry will be short as I want to have time to watch a Netflix movie before I crash out. Rilee and I took our friend Doug out to the river today because he hasnt ever been! It was great going 2 days in a row! While there we ran into an old friend I knew back my freshman year of college. Jillian. Shes married now and its funny to see how life changes over the course of years.
I cant help but be jealous of anyone thats in a relationship or married. Especially if I knew them back then. My time will come I know. I just have a hard time being happy for everyone else. Of course Rilee loved the water again! She floated down the river in her tube it was so cute to see! EVERYONE commented on just how cute she is. Makes me want to go to the gym and get “cute” too. By the end of the year I hope to be down 15lbs.
Tomorrow is fathers day. I hate this holiday. Because Nick is a dick and because my dad wants nothing to do with me. Church in the morning then Rilee and I are going to Maries house to hopefully have a bbq. That should be fun!
Its time to make some dinner and watch a movie.

Day 10 June 19th 2009

Wow here I am at 10 days! It goes by fast when I make it a point to write before I go to bed. Today was a very good day…

I took Rilee to go see Amy because she was finally home from her vacation! Well home for a little bit before shes gone again. It was nice to see her and im said that shes sick. But I think our visit helped her a little! I mean it was me and Rilee how could that not heal her despair!

Then I took Rilee to the river for the second time in her life. She was 3 months the first time! This time was definitely different! The second I set her water shoed feet down on the sand/rocks… she took off in her adorable baby sprint and ran into the water. Now of course I was right behind her… but I thought for sure she would cry because the water was cold. She didnt. Then I thought for sure she would cry because she went in all the way to her neck (without my help mind you) and she didnt. Then she fell into the shallower water and dunked her head… still no tears…… so when did my child actually cry? When I tried holding her hand so she wouldnt drown. She seriously looked at me like what the heck mom… let me go! I think I need to look into swimming lessons pronto… or im going to lose my child to the fishes… and I mean lose in the… she will live in the water. We waded and played in the sand and swam and threw rocks and sunbathed. And spent some mommy and me time together. Talking. And laughing. And making me realize these little moments in life dont care about money. Or work. They are short and sometimes forgotten. But they are memories that are worth preserving. I shall always remeber those hours we spent together today.

Then we got to pick up our kitties. Our old neighbor needed to get rid of them and ive been looking for a kitty for Rilee since she loved Coco and she ran away. Rilee missed her. So we got the kitties today after the river. I named them Spooka and Punkie. Both girls. Currently they are adjusting to their new home away from their mother…they are 10 weeks old. They are adorable! And the best part is Rilee loves them and is so gentle. And these poor kitties are used to living with a rambuncious almost 3 year old so they probably will soon love it here. Its a good addition to our family and I will be able to teach Rilee about how to be kind and careful as she gets older. They were born April 2nd 2009. Right before Rilee turned 1! So hopefully they can grow old together!

I got some sun today which is very welcomed! I love getting tan lines and being brown! I cant wait for more fun things to do with Rilee this summer. I hope we get to go camping soon! Need to find some people to go with but it should be fun. Resume the job search tomorrow! UGH. Now people are refusing me a job because im going to be a student in August. Thats lame but I understand. Ill find something ive just got to keep faith in God and he will provide. I am blessed… and I need to focus more on those blessings instead of the hardships! Soon enough the “Day _” will be intermittenly interrupted with Life_ blogs as well! YAY for journaling again!

Day 9 June 18th 2009

Today wasnt a bad day. Work was easy got off early. Rilee went half day to school and I liked being able to get her early. The kids were good. Heather was a bit off but oh well. Rilee and I went to Ryans house to go swimming and Rilee got to use her new ladybug pool float. I have a water baby. She loves the water and giggled and kicked and swam around. It was very cute and I cant wait to try to find a new place once this lease is up to move… and get one with a pool. Less crazyness maybe as well.

Tomorrow Rilee and I get 2 kitties and we get to name them… I am very excited we get them at 10. From our old neighbor Katie. We had a BBQ in the parking lot when we came home from swimming with the neighbors. Its always so much fun hanging out… but I wish I wasnt single… everyone has someone. It sucks because they are all married with kids and love their families. I dont have that and its really hard to deal with but ill manage.

We might be going to the river tomorrow but im not sure. I think itll be fun to take Rilee to the river because she loves the water sooo much. Shes already getting a little baby tan and I love it. Life needs to start working itself out. It really needs to. Amy is home. Hopefully I see her soon. We have missed her. I am dead tired a little sunkissed and I need to get to bed.

Day 8 June 17th 2009

Today was decently long and “ok”

I worked a half day had an interview and saw my “therapist”. I shall name him Jack. confidentiality reasons of course. Now Jack is amazing. He puts things in perspective and he listens and laughs with me. He doesnt push anything out of me or make me talk about anything weird. Though ive been slacking on said “project” Jack wants me to do… I just havent felt up to pulling up shit from the past just yet. Its not like I dont already have enough crap going on in the present right? So Rilee loves Jack… I love Jack(in the platonic…well clientonic way of course) and Jack just thinks hes alright. Hes great. Jack needs to take more credit for my happiness… not that he causes it but he helps me to realize things that cause my smiles. So thank you Jack.

Rilee went through 3 pairs of clothes in daycare today… wonderful to hear every single change was due to her love of food! Thank God ive got a kid with a high metabolism. Or else she would be round as a beach ball the amount of food she eats. She loves her daycare. Which is wonderful because I dont worry about her well being and I know shes happy. A fresh breath of air in my high strung life!

My interview today was… well interesting. In the end I didnt call them back… but I definitely learned that vaccuum salesmen make 2100 a month! Ya the money sounds great but I definitely woll never ever knock on someones door selling anything but girl scout cookies. Its just not right. NO ONE wants a fucking vaccum in this economy. And they sure in heck dont want one that is too complicated I have to go through 4 days of training just to teach them how it works! Plus the building was sketchy and the guy was unprofessional… telling me to call him back tonight… and ya it was odd. But out of my 30 resumes sent out I guess 2 responses back is good these days.

This weekend is Fathers Day. Damn Nick! I hate him. Especially since hes dicking me around… and feeding me lines. Hell maybe I should file for child support… then I wont have to deal with him ever again. He doesnt deserve this Sunday. He isnt a father… hes a check. And it kills me. Thankfully shes not old enough yet. To care. Or to know or to notice the things in the stores. Maybe ill get my house cleaned this weekend? Maybe ill just sit around like I always do.

Day 7 June 16th 2009

Phew made it a whole week with writing everyday. I started reading my 365 days of the Bible last night so in about a years time both my journal and my Bible will be read. I like having something to look forward to at the end of my day. It gives me time to unwind and look back at how things are unfolding.

Today Rilee got to go to her almost first full day of daycare. She was there from 730-315. And when I walked in I learned just how much she loved yogurt! Supposedly she was on her 3rd bowl… and I mean actual bowl. Not kid sized…:)

I love my bottomless pit. And not to mention the head to toe coverage of blackberry yogurt! It was adorable and a time I wish I had my camera or my cell phone with me. I know for next time. Come equipped! Its nice to know that she enjoys her time there and that the transition was amazingly easy. I hear she is going up to people easier and giving them hugs which makes my heart melt. I love her stink butt so much!

I got to work today. It was weird not having Rilee with me all day but it was also nice because I could focus on the kids again. After we cleaned the house we went to the park for awhile. Where I have learned that when another persons child asks to be pushed on what ill now call the ring of death… you say no go get your mommy. I threw 3 children off of it. Made 3 kids cry at 3 different times. While their mothers werent mad in the slight bit as I wasnt pushing the ring fast or crazy… it still upset me to know that I failed miserably at making them happy! I do believe the mother of the 11 year old needs to teach him to not cry so much…but then again maybe he shouldnt be riding toys made for the younger crowd. Regardless I will only push my “children” and if there are other kids that want to ride while thinking “tough shit” ill kindly ask them to get the adult they are with. Rough day in the life of a nanny!

Day 6 June 15th 2009

Today was fucking hell. Yes I said a bad word and I meant it with all of my heart. Not only did someone that I thought was a good friend tell me I was amounting to nothing and that my daughter will grow up to hate me and that I am unfit to be a mother… I didnt get my cleaning done I needed to… I spent money on essentials that I dont have… ive had a migraine all day… and the laundry is still not put away. Rilees toys are everywhere. I need someone to come help me. I wish I had someone I could call to come keep me company while I cleaned. I have no motivation to do anything.

Yesterday Rilee fell and hit her mouth on the floor. Now she has a cut on her lip and it looks like I popped her one… ugh for the toddler stage. One day she will be more stable. She now stands in the shower with me. She doesnt use her tub anymore and she refuses to sit down. So my mini me now showers like a big girl. How the heck did that happen? Shes saying more words and also she knows more signs.

I have been teaching her a bit of sign language that seems to help her communicate better. She proved to me today she officially knows 3 words completely. All Done More and Eat. She sort of did thank you and im teaching her mommy and shoes. Its fun learning with her because before I had her I only knew a couple words. Shes an amazing kid.

Now back to being told how horrible I was. It stems from them asking me to hang out and get dinner and me saying my sitter (Amy) is out of town and though he offered to pay someone.. I decided I wasnt comfortable with it being anyone else. So he then went on to tell me how im a horrible mother and am amounting to nothing and it doesnt surprise him that Nick left or that im single. He said that no man would ever put up with me and that my daughter will despise me and leave as soon as she can and that ill just manipulate someone else into knocking me up to try to have another family. He said some more mean things but I would rather not riffle through the texts to type it all here. It was uncalled for and out of line yes… but is there some truth to it? Am I a horrible person? Is Rilee better off without me? I have been having a bad week. And this just makes me more sad. I dont want to wait for prince charming to come along… I want to run as fast as I can to the nearest cave and escape all thoughts or ideas of men.

When will this happiness I see everyone else experience be something I at least get a taste of? I love my daughter and I want the best for her… but right now I dont even know what the best is. I need a hug

Day 14 June 23rd 2009

Yesterday I was informed that starting next week the days I do possibly work are now 1/2 days. Tonight I went out with a guy I met offline. Kinda random and spur of the moment but he asked Rilee and I to dinner at Cattlemans. He was nice. And good looking. And employed! LOL. Not sure where it would go if anywhere but it was nice to get some dinner and have adult conversation with a nice guy. He was down here for work but lives 3 hours away but is here every 2 weeks.(**side note** he just called and we tentatively planned something for next time he is here) He is a cattle rancher up north and then he races sprint cars and his job is a mini mart delivery man. Like the lighters and energy shots and candy bars. I guess its called impulse buys. Hes nice and has a 9 year old son. He was married but it didnt work out. So we will see where it goes.

I cant wait until school starts. I am getting anxious to finish another semester because it brings me closer to my goal of graduating college! Which is something my mother said that she didnt think I would ever do. I will and I will do more amazing things with my life I just need to accept what God puts before me and trust that he will carry me through when times are tough.

Day 5 June 14th 2009

Today was a very good day. Laurie and Jeanie bought me a bible today and I am very happy I can start reading it every night before I go to bed. Time to get in deeper with the Lord. After church Rilee and I went to Claudias house to wait for Jason and Heather to get there with the twins Maddie and Kenzie. OMG they are adorable 3 week old babies! I got to hold Kenzie for a good solid 3o mins and Rilee didnt even fuss. She played with Myles the whole time. Somehow she loves him and Jason very much. They are over 6 feet tall BIG boys! LOL but its good that shes taking to men a lot better than she has in the past.

That makes me hate Nick very much. How could he not want to hold his baby everyday? I mean heck Myles didnt want to put her down and hes got 2 kids of his own. Its nice to see someone love her like a daddy should. We just got home and im beyond exhausted. I keep thinking I have something to do tomorrow but I dont recall what it is. I hope its nothing too important… or that if I made plans the person lets me know in the morning! This weekend took my energy. Hopefully the bank accepts my deposit before the overdrafts go through… and hopefully ive got some job replies in my mailbox by tomorrow night. I am glad that I filled this weekend with fun things and good people because I would have been a wreck if I didnt. Hope the days keep getting easier than they have been the last couple of days… but ive just got to take it 1 at a time.

Day 4 June 13th 2009

The day started with an early morning wake up. 4am to be exact. Rilee and I headed to the Sonoma County Hot Air Balloon Classic because I won tickets on the radio. It was fairly lame to win 2 tickets and only need 1 at the gate and the guy tried handing me back the other one to “give” to someone and I was like look just take the extra ticket and give it to the next person that walks in. I dont want to deal with the ticket and I sure in heck dont want to carry it around in my pocket waiting for someone to give it to because I didnt have a reason to use it. Pathetic. As was having no one to talk to while there. Familes and friends and couples were surrounding me. I believe I was the only single person out there aside from the plethera of photo journalists. They were in their own little world anyway.

But this festival was amazing. Well worth the early rise and the couple block walk so I didnt have to pay for parking. Well worth the chilly air and wet grass! Well worth missing out on funnel cake because I didnt bring any money… well maybe not ha ha ha cause funnel cake is amazing… but it was a blast. I havent EVER seen a hot air balloon that close before. And even Rilee enjoyed walking around and watching the balloons take off. There was a lady that wanted to take pictures of her and I let her. Because how often do you get stopped by 5 camera men/women that want a photo of YOUR child? Not very. So she played with some balloons and the photographers snapped their shots. I wish I can come across one of them sometime in the future.

Then we came home and slept for 2 hours before my soccer game. And im thinking the lack of sleep mixed with this weeks stress made it so I didnt know my body could be pushed any less than I did. I mean I ran faster and kicked harder than I have in awhile. I can barely move now that I am home and rested and showered… but at the moment I didnt care. And thanks to me I assisted the winning goal by a finely placed cross to the middle where it was nicely finished to win the game. Life is good when youre part of such a victory! I feel like a terrible mother though. I SPACED on putting sunscreen on Rilees nose and now she has a pink band across her face…I hope it fades before church tomorrow and I hope it doesnt hurt her. I will remember to pack the sunscreen next time AND apply it. All good moms forget that right? At least once. I wont make it a habit.

Needless to say im exhausted. No replies from my multiple applications but im sure maybe monday they will come. I have to sit down and do my list of things that need to get paid ASAP. Tonight definitely isnt the night to do so. I am way too tired to concentrate. I am amazed I was able to sit through typing this much. 4 days into my journaling and already im wanting to procrastinate… I BEST stick to this.

Day 3 June 12th 2009

Today was almost better. I have wonderful friends who worry about my well being. Denise bought Rilee some diapers after her wonderful sister Lea Ann worried enough to call. I went to the bank to find out that ill be double overdrafting this weekend. And my car payment might not go through because im short 29 dollars. Money will come I just wish the bills would stop for a moment so I could get caught up. I know thats unrealistic but its still a hope! Something good will happen soon.

Today was hot in Windsor. We played at a special Toddler park… though you would think that with it being specialized for little kids there would be more shade than there is…or was. There was no trees. No coverings just hot sun beating down on us all. Tired came quick for the wee ones. Rilee took 3 naps today which is astounding saying she barely takes 2. She is pretty confident in her walking now as she has learned to climb things. and into things. and over things. and onto things. and through things. Shes a daredevil and ive already got my work cut out for me!

The job search is slowly coming along. I believe in total today I applied for 15 jobs. We will see by Monday how many reply. I will bet MAYBE 4. Thats pushing it though. I pray and will have my fingers crossed the whole time. Life will get better… I just know it.

Question for the single parents out there… how do you manage to cook and clean and pick up and do laundry? I mean im behind in almost all of that and im just beat at the end of the day. Do you ask for help? or what?

Day 2 June 11th 2009

Life got really hard today. I had a hard time keeping a smile upon my face. I mean how could I as I stand at the ATM machine depositing a whole 80 dollars from this weeks “work” and to find out im overdrafting anyway. At least theres gas in my car for the week. But seriously… the diapers I was on my way to get… they arent in the car. I am unable to provide for my child. Thats heart breaking. So many tell me what an amazing mother I am but look at me. I cant give her the essentials she needs to be healthy. WTF am I supposed to do?

Someone told me to be a hooker and the more I am unable to give Rilee what she needs the more my mind dabbles in the thought of maybe just once to pay something… or to get food or diapers. I dont ever want to sink that low in my life. I am actively looking for a job. I wouldnt feel so crappy if I was a bum not busting my ass to look for more work. This whirlwind is sweeping me up and I dont know how to fight any harder. I just want to break down and cry but I havent any time.

I pray that ill have the strength. Please God protect me and Rilee through this. Walk with me and help me see the path I need to take to make this right. Please provide the guidance that I know you have and make me as strong as I need to be for Rilees sake and my own. I give this to you because I know that you know my fate and that what is happening is by your grace. Please also give me the strength to not be angry.

Day 1 June 10th 2009

I am hoping this is the start of a new beginning. Maybe through journal/blogging I shall get the support and comfort I need to heal and be able to move on. Just recently I have found that I am not quite over the break up between my daughters father and I. I am over him that isn’t the issue. I am just not over the initial separation from the man I thought I was going to marry. I have dated since. Nothing spectacular or I probably wouldn’t have time to be dwelling in this sad thing I call my love life… or lack there of.

I got my blog inspiration from Matt Logelin whom lost his wife tragically. http://www.mattlogelin.com/

I didn’t lost my spouse the same way but it doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard or I don’t have a difficult time dealing with it. Hell at least he has the peace of mind that she is gone and he can do his best as a father. I am stuck with the thought that he isnt gone… but since he isnt around and doesn’t do anything to be there for Rilee he might as well be gone. Its sad how much one person can change your life such as a child and how you would do anything for them in an instant. At least that’s how its supposed to be but there are the people (Rilee’s Father) whom could care a less if she exists. His life is more important than hers. He doesn’t know how much I struggle to take care of her. How expensive diapers are. How hard it is when she is hurting or sick or just wanting to play and you don’t get to sleep. I called him not too long ago telling him I didn’t have money for diapers and he said “that sucks”. Yea it does fucking suck. Too bad somehow you got out of the responsibility of her. Of making sure shes taken care of. Don’t get me wrong he pays child support. But id rather him be here for her. to play and laugh and hug and love her. Instead of claiming its possible to do all that 3000 miles away. I don’t have family either. Its just me and my girl. Alone.

So I ask you other single parents… how do you do it? How do you make it? Any advice?