Day 6 June 15th 2009

Today was fucking hell. Yes I said a bad word and I meant it with all of my heart. Not only did someone that I thought was a good friend tell me I was amounting to nothing and that my daughter will grow up to hate me and that I am unfit to be a mother… I didnt get my cleaning done I needed to… I spent money on essentials that I dont have… ive had a migraine all day… and the laundry is still not put away. Rilees toys are everywhere. I need someone to come help me. I wish I had someone I could call to come keep me company while I cleaned. I have no motivation to do anything.

Yesterday Rilee fell and hit her mouth on the floor. Now she has a cut on her lip and it looks like I popped her one… ugh for the toddler stage. One day she will be more stable. She now stands in the shower with me. She doesnt use her tub anymore and she refuses to sit down. So my mini me now showers like a big girl. How the heck did that happen? Shes saying more words and also she knows more signs.

I have been teaching her a bit of sign language that seems to help her communicate better. She proved to me today she officially knows 3 words completely. All Done More and Eat. She sort of did thank you and im teaching her mommy and shoes. Its fun learning with her because before I had her I only knew a couple words. Shes an amazing kid.

Now back to being told how horrible I was. It stems from them asking me to hang out and get dinner and me saying my sitter (Amy) is out of town and though he offered to pay someone.. I decided I wasnt comfortable with it being anyone else. So he then went on to tell me how im a horrible mother and am amounting to nothing and it doesnt surprise him that Nick left or that im single. He said that no man would ever put up with me and that my daughter will despise me and leave as soon as she can and that ill just manipulate someone else into knocking me up to try to have another family. He said some more mean things but I would rather not riffle through the texts to type it all here. It was uncalled for and out of line yes… but is there some truth to it? Am I a horrible person? Is Rilee better off without me? I have been having a bad week. And this just makes me more sad. I dont want to wait for prince charming to come along… I want to run as fast as I can to the nearest cave and escape all thoughts or ideas of men.

When will this happiness I see everyone else experience be something I at least get a taste of? I love my daughter and I want the best for her… but right now I dont even know what the best is. I need a hug