FUCKING A.
Somehow all that ive written for this day got erased so I have to try to remember what it is that I wanted to say for Tuesday. I didnt have work. I cleaned the entire house while Rilee was in daycare. I slept a little bit and I think thats about all that I can remember from this day. I know I wrote something about seeing Jack tomorrow (wed) and how Nick is talking about coming back and how it would be nice and how I miss him and what we had.
Wow I must admit that im happy that ive written something for 20 days. Thats almost a month. Just put Rilee to bed and thankfully its not so hot anymore. My head is pounding and I wish that I could get rid of this migraine that ive got. Oh how I wish I had someone that wanted to cuddle tonight. That totally seems like a good headache cure. Tomorrow Rilee goes to daycare and I hopefully will get the willpower to clean my house. I have to get at least the toys picked up and vacuuming done because its hard to walk through the hallways.
Last night I had to give one of the kitties away but Punkie will be in a better place because they cant bite and fight anymore. The family she went to is very loving and has another cat for her to grow up with. Since shes been gone though Spooka has had a major attachment disorder. She has to walk right by my legs and sleep on top of me. Hopefully she will get over it.
Nothing too majot happend today. I got to babysit for Aubrey which was an easy 25 dollars. Maybe ill just post some more childcare ads up. Time for bed though my head in prohibiting me from thinking clear thoughts.
Went to church but Rilee wasnt having it so we ended up having to leave early. She tried taking a nap but didnt probably because its too hot. And she doesnt feel well… so we went to Lexis makeshift party in the quad and she ate and played and then they all went to the river so I put her down for a nap and slept a couple hours as well. Now we are trying to stay cool without AC or fans. I have a migraine and think im going to go get a smoothie!
Not too much else to talk about today. Havent heard from Nate since friday morning… maybe hes moved along?
I gathered a group of friends together (Chantelle Ryan and Mary) and we all went out to the river for a couple hours. It was amazing out there. Hot and the water was cool and we floated and played and had a good time. Came home and I didnt have Rilee because Chantelle had her for the night because Chris was coming to town.
Chris and I went to the casino because its air conditioned and it also seemed more fun than the bar. So we went and I made 228$ profit. Sweet now im not so far in the hole anymore. It was fun and we got mcdonalds on the way home and crashed when we got here. He left early to take his daughter to the zoo.
Went to Manpower today to fill out the 2 hour long application process to hopefully get placed at some sort of employment. It was long but if it pays off…literally… itll be worth it! I have high hopes that in the next couple of weeks im going to be employed.
On the way home to get Rilee I was listening to Froggy and they were talking about the blood drive and how they needed A+ blood which is my type. So I called Kate at Rilees school to see if she could stay an extra hour and I went and gave some blood. It was awesome to know that I was giving blood that will one day potentially save a life. Amazing how the world works and I think that I might start doing it more often. It doesnt take that long and it goes to a good cause. I did my good deed and was able to give something back.
Tomorrow Chris comes! I cant wait to hang out with him again! And I think a couple friends and I are going to go to the river tomorrow. It should be fun and then I get to drop Rilee off with Chantelle and her mom and have a Saturday night to go do something fun! I love summer! I cant wait to go to the river for the 3rd time this month with Rilee! Matty might come and Damon and tomorrow im going to send a mass text out to everyone so anyone is invited.
I need to clean my house first before I go tomorrow so thats incentive! I am kinda tired tonight. Probably because I chose to stay up late last night and watch 7 pounds. It was good but not the best movie ive ever seen. I think I might watch Benjamin Button tonight so that Monday/Tuesday ill have 3 new movies to watch.
I just realized that rent is due soon and I am negative 600 so if I put Nicks checks in the bank ill only have 400 for rent and I need 975… so I think I have to go open another account somewhere and pay with another check. UGH I wish I would have thought ahead… but regardless itll all work out. It has to!
More bad news… aside from the days being half days at work I now am short 2 days next week. So all together ill make about 40 bucks for next week. OMG desperately need a job. Tomorrow I go in and work with Mario to fill out the Manpower application process.
Last night Rilee Amy and I went to the fair. It was fun to see Rilee old enough to enjoy some of the rides and things that were there. And to watch her waddle around. I love my baby girl. Then we got some jack in the box and watched What Happens in Vegas. It was a good night. Oh ya… almost forgot. Amy and I spent a bit of time driving around waving to everyone that we saw on the street. I mean yelling and waving hi! It was fun and I definitely needed the laughter. I slept pretty good afterwords as well.
Work was simple today. Rilee went to school the kids cleaned the house. I did my laundry. And then we got Rilee. And then we came home and I got to be Suzie homemaker and cook some chicken and stuffing bake with corn on the cob. I cant wait until I have someone that comes home to eat dinner with. Surprisingly Nate and I have talked a decent amount of time. Its nice to just have a voice to chat with! Hopefully it could turn into something more?
Chris comes in 2 days. I am excited to see him. But nervous as to what he has to tell me. I hope he doesnt flake because ill be pretty pissed. Tomorrow after my appt I see Laurie as she has some ideas for me to try. I will do anything right now. Its about time to put Rilee down and get into bed. Another day has come and gone.
Its Wednesday. UGH. The middle of yet another week of workless days and stress.
Just got back from going out to coffee with Laurie. She also bought Rilee 2 months worth of diapers so thats awesome! She is such a good person to talk to I wish I had more friends like her. I go see Jack in about an hour.
I miss my CJM. Count down begins! This weekend was overall great and I hope the rest of the summer is about the same caliber!
Wow here I am at 10 days! It goes by fast when I make it a point to write before I go to bed. Today was a very good day…
I took Rilee to go see Amy because she was finally home from her vacation! Well home for a little bit before shes gone again. It was nice to see her and im said that shes sick. But I think our visit helped her a little! I mean it was me and Rilee how could that not heal her despair!
Then I took Rilee to the river for the second time in her life. She was 3 months the first time! This time was definitely different! The second I set her water shoed feet down on the sand/rocks… she took off in her adorable baby sprint and ran into the water. Now of course I was right behind her… but I thought for sure she would cry because the water was cold. She didnt. Then I thought for sure she would cry because she went in all the way to her neck (without my help mind you) and she didnt. Then she fell into the shallower water and dunked her head… still no tears…… so when did my child actually cry? When I tried holding her hand so she wouldnt drown. She seriously looked at me like what the heck mom… let me go! I think I need to look into swimming lessons pronto… or im going to lose my child to the fishes… and I mean lose in the… she will live in the water. We waded and played in the sand and swam and threw rocks and sunbathed. And spent some mommy and me time together. Talking. And laughing. And making me realize these little moments in life dont care about money. Or work. They are short and sometimes forgotten. But they are memories that are worth preserving. I shall always remeber those hours we spent together today.
Then we got to pick up our kitties. Our old neighbor needed to get rid of them and ive been looking for a kitty for Rilee since she loved Coco and she ran away. Rilee missed her. So we got the kitties today after the river. I named them Spooka and Punkie. Both girls. Currently they are adjusting to their new home away from their mother…they are 10 weeks old. They are adorable! And the best part is Rilee loves them and is so gentle. And these poor kitties are used to living with a rambuncious almost 3 year old so they probably will soon love it here. Its a good addition to our family and I will be able to teach Rilee about how to be kind and careful as she gets older. They were born April 2nd 2009. Right before Rilee turned 1! So hopefully they can grow old together!
I got some sun today which is very welcomed! I love getting tan lines and being brown! I cant wait for more fun things to do with Rilee this summer. I hope we get to go camping soon! Need to find some people to go with but it should be fun. Resume the job search tomorrow! UGH. Now people are refusing me a job because im going to be a student in August. Thats lame but I understand. Ill find something ive just got to keep faith in God and he will provide. I am blessed… and I need to focus more on those blessings instead of the hardships! Soon enough the “Day _” will be intermittenly interrupted with Life_ blogs as well! YAY for journaling again!
Today wasnt a bad day. Work was easy got off early. Rilee went half day to school and I liked being able to get her early. The kids were good. Heather was a bit off but oh well. Rilee and I went to Ryans house to go swimming and Rilee got to use her new ladybug pool float. I have a water baby. She loves the water and giggled and kicked and swam around. It was very cute and I cant wait to try to find a new place once this lease is up to move… and get one with a pool. Less crazyness maybe as well.
Tomorrow Rilee and I get 2 kitties and we get to name them… I am very excited we get them at 10. From our old neighbor Katie. We had a BBQ in the parking lot when we came home from swimming with the neighbors. Its always so much fun hanging out… but I wish I wasnt single… everyone has someone. It sucks because they are all married with kids and love their families. I dont have that and its really hard to deal with but ill manage.
We might be going to the river tomorrow but im not sure. I think itll be fun to take Rilee to the river because she loves the water sooo much. Shes already getting a little baby tan and I love it. Life needs to start working itself out. It really needs to. Amy is home. Hopefully I see her soon. We have missed her. I am dead tired a little sunkissed and I need to get to bed.
Today was decently long and “ok”
I worked a half day had an interview and saw my “therapist”. I shall name him Jack. confidentiality reasons of course. Now Jack is amazing. He puts things in perspective and he listens and laughs with me. He doesnt push anything out of me or make me talk about anything weird. Though ive been slacking on said “project” Jack wants me to do… I just havent felt up to pulling up shit from the past just yet. Its not like I dont already have enough crap going on in the present right? So Rilee loves Jack… I love Jack(in the platonic…well clientonic way of course) and Jack just thinks hes alright. Hes great. Jack needs to take more credit for my happiness… not that he causes it but he helps me to realize things that cause my smiles. So thank you Jack.
Rilee went through 3 pairs of clothes in daycare today… wonderful to hear every single change was due to her love of food! Thank God ive got a kid with a high metabolism. Or else she would be round as a beach ball the amount of food she eats. She loves her daycare. Which is wonderful because I dont worry about her well being and I know shes happy. A fresh breath of air in my high strung life!
My interview today was… well interesting. In the end I didnt call them back… but I definitely learned that vaccuum salesmen make 2100 a month! Ya the money sounds great but I definitely woll never ever knock on someones door selling anything but girl scout cookies. Its just not right. NO ONE wants a fucking vaccum in this economy. And they sure in heck dont want one that is too complicated I have to go through 4 days of training just to teach them how it works! Plus the building was sketchy and the guy was unprofessional… telling me to call him back tonight… and ya it was odd. But out of my 30 resumes sent out I guess 2 responses back is good these days.
This weekend is Fathers Day. Damn Nick! I hate him. Especially since hes dicking me around… and feeding me lines. Hell maybe I should file for child support… then I wont have to deal with him ever again. He doesnt deserve this Sunday. He isnt a father… hes a check. And it kills me. Thankfully shes not old enough yet. To care. Or to know or to notice the things in the stores. Maybe ill get my house cleaned this weekend? Maybe ill just sit around like I always do.
Phew made it a whole week with writing everyday. I started reading my 365 days of the Bible last night so in about a years time both my journal and my Bible will be read. I like having something to look forward to at the end of my day. It gives me time to unwind and look back at how things are unfolding.
Today Rilee got to go to her almost first full day of daycare. She was there from 730-315. And when I walked in I learned just how much she loved yogurt! Supposedly she was on her 3rd bowl… and I mean actual bowl. Not kid sized…:)
I love my bottomless pit. And not to mention the head to toe coverage of blackberry yogurt! It was adorable and a time I wish I had my camera or my cell phone with me. I know for next time. Come equipped! Its nice to know that she enjoys her time there and that the transition was amazingly easy. I hear she is going up to people easier and giving them hugs which makes my heart melt. I love her stink butt so much!
I got to work today. It was weird not having Rilee with me all day but it was also nice because I could focus on the kids again. After we cleaned the house we went to the park for awhile. Where I have learned that when another persons child asks to be pushed on what ill now call the ring of death… you say no go get your mommy. I threw 3 children off of it. Made 3 kids cry at 3 different times. While their mothers werent mad in the slight bit as I wasnt pushing the ring fast or crazy… it still upset me to know that I failed miserably at making them happy! I do believe the mother of the 11 year old needs to teach him to not cry so much…but then again maybe he shouldnt be riding toys made for the younger crowd. Regardless I will only push my “children” and if there are other kids that want to ride while thinking “tough shit” ill kindly ask them to get the adult they are with. Rough day in the life of a nanny!
Today was fucking hell. Yes I said a bad word and I meant it with all of my heart. Not only did someone that I thought was a good friend tell me I was amounting to nothing and that my daughter will grow up to hate me and that I am unfit to be a mother… I didnt get my cleaning done I needed to… I spent money on essentials that I dont have… ive had a migraine all day… and the laundry is still not put away. Rilees toys are everywhere. I need someone to come help me. I wish I had someone I could call to come keep me company while I cleaned. I have no motivation to do anything.
Yesterday Rilee fell and hit her mouth on the floor. Now she has a cut on her lip and it looks like I popped her one… ugh for the toddler stage. One day she will be more stable. She now stands in the shower with me. She doesnt use her tub anymore and she refuses to sit down. So my mini me now showers like a big girl. How the heck did that happen? Shes saying more words and also she knows more signs.
I have been teaching her a bit of sign language that seems to help her communicate better. She proved to me today she officially knows 3 words completely. All Done More and Eat. She sort of did thank you and im teaching her mommy and shoes. Its fun learning with her because before I had her I only knew a couple words. Shes an amazing kid.
Now back to being told how horrible I was. It stems from them asking me to hang out and get dinner and me saying my sitter (Amy) is out of town and though he offered to pay someone.. I decided I wasnt comfortable with it being anyone else. So he then went on to tell me how im a horrible mother and am amounting to nothing and it doesnt surprise him that Nick left or that im single. He said that no man would ever put up with me and that my daughter will despise me and leave as soon as she can and that ill just manipulate someone else into knocking me up to try to have another family. He said some more mean things but I would rather not riffle through the texts to type it all here. It was uncalled for and out of line yes… but is there some truth to it? Am I a horrible person? Is Rilee better off without me? I have been having a bad week. And this just makes me more sad. I dont want to wait for prince charming to come along… I want to run as fast as I can to the nearest cave and escape all thoughts or ideas of men.
When will this happiness I see everyone else experience be something I at least get a taste of? I love my daughter and I want the best for her… but right now I dont even know what the best is. I need a hug
Yesterday I was informed that starting next week the days I do possibly work are now 1/2 days. Tonight I went out with a guy I met offline. Kinda random and spur of the moment but he asked Rilee and I to dinner at Cattlemans. He was nice. And good looking. And employed! LOL. Not sure where it would go if anywhere but it was nice to get some dinner and have adult conversation with a nice guy. He was down here for work but lives 3 hours away but is here every 2 weeks.(**side note** he just called and we tentatively planned something for next time he is here) He is a cattle rancher up north and then he races sprint cars and his job is a mini mart delivery man. Like the lighters and energy shots and candy bars. I guess its called impulse buys. Hes nice and has a 9 year old son. He was married but it didnt work out. So we will see where it goes.
I cant wait until school starts. I am getting anxious to finish another semester because it brings me closer to my goal of graduating college! Which is something my mother said that she didnt think I would ever do. I will and I will do more amazing things with my life I just need to accept what God puts before me and trust that he will carry me through when times are tough.
Today was a very good day. Laurie and Jeanie bought me a bible today and I am very happy I can start reading it every night before I go to bed. Time to get in deeper with the Lord. After church Rilee and I went to Claudias house to wait for Jason and Heather to get there with the twins Maddie and Kenzie. OMG they are adorable 3 week old babies! I got to hold Kenzie for a good solid 3o mins and Rilee didnt even fuss. She played with Myles the whole time. Somehow she loves him and Jason very much. They are over 6 feet tall BIG boys! LOL but its good that shes taking to men a lot better than she has in the past.
That makes me hate Nick very much. How could he not want to hold his baby everyday? I mean heck Myles didnt want to put her down and hes got 2 kids of his own. Its nice to see someone love her like a daddy should. We just got home and im beyond exhausted. I keep thinking I have something to do tomorrow but I dont recall what it is. I hope its nothing too important… or that if I made plans the person lets me know in the morning! This weekend took my energy. Hopefully the bank accepts my deposit before the overdrafts go through… and hopefully ive got some job replies in my mailbox by tomorrow night. I am glad that I filled this weekend with fun things and good people because I would have been a wreck if I didnt. Hope the days keep getting easier than they have been the last couple of days… but ive just got to take it 1 at a time.
The day started with an early morning wake up. 4am to be exact. Rilee and I headed to the Sonoma County Hot Air Balloon Classic because I won tickets on the radio. It was fairly lame to win 2 tickets and only need 1 at the gate and the guy tried handing me back the other one to “give” to someone and I was like look just take the extra ticket and give it to the next person that walks in. I dont want to deal with the ticket and I sure in heck dont want to carry it around in my pocket waiting for someone to give it to because I didnt have a reason to use it. Pathetic. As was having no one to talk to while there. Familes and friends and couples were surrounding me. I believe I was the only single person out there aside from the plethera of photo journalists. They were in their own little world anyway.
But this festival was amazing. Well worth the early rise and the couple block walk so I didnt have to pay for parking. Well worth the chilly air and wet grass! Well worth missing out on funnel cake because I didnt bring any money… well maybe not ha ha ha cause funnel cake is amazing… but it was a blast. I havent EVER seen a hot air balloon that close before. And even Rilee enjoyed walking around and watching the balloons take off. There was a lady that wanted to take pictures of her and I let her. Because how often do you get stopped by 5 camera men/women that want a photo of YOUR child? Not very. So she played with some balloons and the photographers snapped their shots. I wish I can come across one of them sometime in the future.
Then we came home and slept for 2 hours before my soccer game. And im thinking the lack of sleep mixed with this weeks stress made it so I didnt know my body could be pushed any less than I did. I mean I ran faster and kicked harder than I have in awhile. I can barely move now that I am home and rested and showered… but at the moment I didnt care. And thanks to me I assisted the winning goal by a finely placed cross to the middle where it was nicely finished to win the game. Life is good when youre part of such a victory! I feel like a terrible mother though. I SPACED on putting sunscreen on Rilees nose and now she has a pink band across her face…I hope it fades before church tomorrow and I hope it doesnt hurt her. I will remember to pack the sunscreen next time AND apply it. All good moms forget that right? At least once. I wont make it a habit.
Needless to say im exhausted. No replies from my multiple applications but im sure maybe monday they will come. I have to sit down and do my list of things that need to get paid ASAP. Tonight definitely isnt the night to do so. I am way too tired to concentrate. I am amazed I was able to sit through typing this much. 4 days into my journaling and already im wanting to procrastinate… I BEST stick to this.
Today was almost better. I have wonderful friends who worry about my well being. Denise bought Rilee some diapers after her wonderful sister Lea Ann worried enough to call. I went to the bank to find out that ill be double overdrafting this weekend. And my car payment might not go through because im short 29 dollars. Money will come I just wish the bills would stop for a moment so I could get caught up. I know thats unrealistic but its still a hope! Something good will happen soon.
Today was hot in Windsor. We played at a special Toddler park… though you would think that with it being specialized for little kids there would be more shade than there is…or was. There was no trees. No coverings just hot sun beating down on us all. Tired came quick for the wee ones. Rilee took 3 naps today which is astounding saying she barely takes 2. She is pretty confident in her walking now as she has learned to climb things. and into things. and over things. and onto things. and through things. Shes a daredevil and ive already got my work cut out for me!
The job search is slowly coming along. I believe in total today I applied for 15 jobs. We will see by Monday how many reply. I will bet MAYBE 4. Thats pushing it though. I pray and will have my fingers crossed the whole time. Life will get better… I just know it.
Question for the single parents out there… how do you manage to cook and clean and pick up and do laundry? I mean im behind in almost all of that and im just beat at the end of the day. Do you ask for help? or what?
Life got really hard today. I had a hard time keeping a smile upon my face. I mean how could I as I stand at the ATM machine depositing a whole 80 dollars from this weeks “work” and to find out im overdrafting anyway. At least theres gas in my car for the week. But seriously… the diapers I was on my way to get… they arent in the car. I am unable to provide for my child. Thats heart breaking. So many tell me what an amazing mother I am but look at me. I cant give her the essentials she needs to be healthy. WTF am I supposed to do?
Someone told me to be a hooker and the more I am unable to give Rilee what she needs the more my mind dabbles in the thought of maybe just once to pay something… or to get food or diapers. I dont ever want to sink that low in my life. I am actively looking for a job. I wouldnt feel so crappy if I was a bum not busting my ass to look for more work. This whirlwind is sweeping me up and I dont know how to fight any harder. I just want to break down and cry but I havent any time.
I pray that ill have the strength. Please God protect me and Rilee through this. Walk with me and help me see the path I need to take to make this right. Please provide the guidance that I know you have and make me as strong as I need to be for Rilees sake and my own. I give this to you because I know that you know my fate and that what is happening is by your grace. Please also give me the strength to not be angry.
I am hoping this is the start of a new beginning. Maybe through journal/blogging I shall get the support and comfort I need to heal and be able to move on. Just recently I have found that I am not quite over the break up between my daughters father and I. I am over him that isn’t the issue. I am just not over the initial separation from the man I thought I was going to marry. I have dated since. Nothing spectacular or I probably wouldn’t have time to be dwelling in this sad thing I call my love life… or lack there of.
I got my blog inspiration from Matt Logelin whom lost his wife tragically. http://www.mattlogelin.com/
I didn’t lost my spouse the same way but it doesn’t mean that it isn’t hard or I don’t have a difficult time dealing with it. Hell at least he has the peace of mind that she is gone and he can do his best as a father. I am stuck with the thought that he isnt gone… but since he isnt around and doesn’t do anything to be there for Rilee he might as well be gone. Its sad how much one person can change your life such as a child and how you would do anything for them in an instant. At least that’s how its supposed to be but there are the people (Rilee’s Father) whom could care a less if she exists. His life is more important than hers. He doesn’t know how much I struggle to take care of her. How expensive diapers are. How hard it is when she is hurting or sick or just wanting to play and you don’t get to sleep. I called him not too long ago telling him I didn’t have money for diapers and he said “that sucks”. Yea it does fucking suck. Too bad somehow you got out of the responsibility of her. Of making sure shes taken care of. Don’t get me wrong he pays child support. But id rather him be here for her. to play and laugh and hug and love her. Instead of claiming its possible to do all that 3000 miles away. I don’t have family either. Its just me and my girl. Alone.
So I ask you other single parents… how do you do it? How do you make it? Any advice?
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