Day 2 June 11th 2009

Life got really hard today. I had a hard time keeping a smile upon my face. I mean how could I as I stand at the ATM machine depositing a whole 80 dollars from this weeks “work” and to find out im overdrafting anyway. At least theres gas in my car for the week. But seriously… the diapers I was on my way to get… they arent in the car. I am unable to provide for my child. Thats heart breaking. So many tell me what an amazing mother I am but look at me. I cant give her the essentials she needs to be healthy. WTF am I supposed to do?

Someone told me to be a hooker and the more I am unable to give Rilee what she needs the more my mind dabbles in the thought of maybe just once to pay something… or to get food or diapers. I dont ever want to sink that low in my life. I am actively looking for a job. I wouldnt feel so crappy if I was a bum not busting my ass to look for more work. This whirlwind is sweeping me up and I dont know how to fight any harder. I just want to break down and cry but I havent any time.

I pray that ill have the strength. Please God protect me and Rilee through this. Walk with me and help me see the path I need to take to make this right. Please provide the guidance that I know you have and make me as strong as I need to be for Rilees sake and my own. I give this to you because I know that you know my fate and that what is happening is by your grace. Please also give me the strength to not be angry.